Confirmation Day

Today I was fortunate enuff to receive my one 'n only confirmation....confirmation that my 2 youngest children...my son Anthony 'n my daughter Jessica...really DO love 'n care about me. Lemme explain.

I was in my usual weekend cleanin' mode and as such I was in the final stretch of vacuumin' the very last of 8 rooms total which I must do. I'm in the livin' room, got the vacuum hummin' away on full power and I'm sweatin' like a pig in this ridiculous heat while pushin' that damn thing over the last bit of carpet in the livin' room. My son had just gone out for a bit (without his keys, as usual) and he was gonna pick up a pack of smokes for me on his way home so just in case he came home while I was still cleanin' and I didn't hear him knockin', he'd call me on my cell phone which I had in my pocket and I could unlock the door for him.

So the sweats drippin' down my face 'n neck, I'm cursin' myself for ever wantin' to start cleanin' on such a humid day in the first place, and I'm just bendin' over to move somethin' that was in the vacuum's way when my arm brushed against my pocket and I could feel my cell vibratin'. So I shut off the vacuum and grab my cell. It's my daughter callin' and I can see that I've got 3 missed calls from her which means she musta tried callin' me 3 other times in succession rite before this call which is notta good sign when it comes to HER. Hesitant on answerin' the call, expectin' the worse 'n holdin' my breath (awwww shit, NOW what? was my first thought cuz I was really expectin' to hear her screamin' 'n wailin' on some street corner again but God only knew what it was about this time around) I answered the phone.

"Mom?? MOM??" she quickly says. Uh oh, I hear it. I can hear the sound of freakin' out 'n total panic in her voice just like every other damn time she called me while havin' one of her street corner breakdowns. "Whaaaaaaaat Jess" I half disgustedly say. "Are you okay???" she says a lil' louder. "Yeah Jess, why?" "Mom, Mom, don't lie to me....are you SURE yer okay?" she says a bit more panicky now. "YEAH Jess. Why? What's UP?" I ask. "Cuz Mom you called me like 4 times in a row a few minutes ago and I'm at City Island right now with Vincent but every time I answered your call it sounded like you were havin' some kinda bad seizure cuz I could barely hear you and you were makin' these God awful sounds so I thought you were on some kinda bad acid trip :::HUH????::: or maybe you did too much drugs and you were overdosin' :::WHAAAAT?::: and were tryin' to gimme some kinda sign that you needed help :::ARE U SERIOUS?::: but I can't get there Mom cuz I'm at City Island and I'm scared Mom and.....ummm Mom, wait a sec....hang on, Anthony's callin' me...". Lorrrrrd have mercy I think to myself. She gets back on the line and says "so um yeah so I called Anthony cuz I thought you were in trouble but he said he wasn't home and, and..." "Jess Jess" I interrupt her. "Calm down!!" I damn near scream into the phone. "I'm OOOOKAAAAY, really! I'm just vacummin' hun. It must be this damn cell phone of mine. Its in my pocket. It musta dialed your number by accident while I was vacuumin'. I've got you on speed dial and it musta kept connectin' on its own" I tell her. "Mom, are you SURRRRRE thats all it is? Cuz every time I answered I heard some weird noises comin' from yer end and I'm thinkin' that yer havin' a stroke or somethin' and ya can't talk so yer tryin' to tell me that ya need help and....". "Yesss Jess, all ya heard was the damn vacuum runnin', thats all it was babe. Don't worry hun, really. I'm fine. Whoops! Lemme go kiddo, yer brother is callin' me" I tell her as I see "Anthony calling" now showin' up on my cell phone. "Ok Mom, love you!" she says. "I love you too hun. Bye, have fun!"

So I answer my son's call. "What's up Ant?" "MOM! Are you okay? Jess just called me and she's all freakin' out and everything and she screamed at me and told me to get home quick cuz you were callin' her but she couldn't understand what you were sayin' and so somethin' must be wrong with you so I just left the tattoo shop ::::the WHAT???::: and I ran over to the cab company and now I just got in a cab and I'm comin' home to you but oh by the way Mom I hadda use the money you gave me for your cigarettes :::GRRRR::: to pay for the cab ride home and ARE YOU SURE YER OKAY Mom?" he goes on. I start crackin' up. "Yes hun, I'm fine" I tell him. "It was all cuz of my cell phone. It was butt dialin'....well, it was really pocket dialin' yer sister but I couldn't hear it cuz I was still vacuumin' and she was hearin' the sound of the vacuum thru the inside of my pocket and....WHAT? Ya didn't get my CIGARETTES??? Ohhh, that's okay, just come on home" I tell him.

I go unlock the door for him and soon after I hear the upstairs door SLAM shut. He comes in with a puss on his face, hands me my change from the cab ride home/no cigarette purchase, walks into his room and yells out "ya know, I really wasn't plannin' on comin' home so soon. I just LEFT!". I begin to laugh. I can't help myself. I find this whole scenario highly amusin'. I can see that my kids are now more neurotic than I am.....but *I* musta MADE them that way from all MY neuroses. Oh well, my mother did it to ME, so I'm just doin' my motherly duties and am passin' it along...just like any good mother would do :-) He walks back towards me and proceeds to put his hands around my neck and gently squeeze. "I wanna strangle you!" he jokingly says. I'm now crackin' up. He plops down on my bedroom floor and we begin goin' over the whole damn story....laughs 'n all.....how it all began and how it ended.

"It's all cuz of JESS!" he jumps up and says. "It's all HER fault! Oooooh, wait til I get my hands around HER neck" he threatens......with a sly grin. "But ya know" he says "I'll betcha this was all just payback to me, for all the times I used to call you when I was out and I told you that I was lost or scared or someone was followin' me or that I was kidnapped and stuffed inside the trunk of a car or...." "Ohhhh yeeeeeahhhhhh, that's riiiiiiiight!" I respond. "See? I TOLD ya. What goes around comes around babe...and now you finally got whats comin' to ya. Ha! I LOVE it!" I happily sing. He agrees.

So as you can see, I now know that my kids really DO love and care about me, and today they confirmed it once 'n for all. It feels real nice knowin' how far they'd go for their Mom if they think she's in trouble. I'll take their panic-stricken accusation-ridden neurotic phone calls and angry threatenin' neck-wranglin' any day.

Oh, and about all those frightenin' stupid-ass stories he used to call and tell me about on a regular damn basis? THOSE are for another day, another post. Oh yes, my son's come up with some real doozies, that's for sure. And stupid-ass ME fell for 'em each 'n every damn time.