Today I hadda say a heart wrenchin' final goodbye to the last parent I had left on this earth, my Dad. It was one of the most difficult things I hadda do, besides doin' the same for my Mom 9 months ago and when I buried my husband twenty years ago. In between then 'n now I've seen many come 'n even many more go, but losin' yer last remainin' parent has gotta be one of the worst.
The church was packed, which was a sight to behold in itself, and it was filled with numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, family, friends, family friends 'n business associates of both my mother and father, but all of whom I hadn't seen for at least forty or so years. My two brothers took the reins 'n really did a marvelous job at settin' everything up per my Dad's written last wishes. The two priests who said the mass were a second cousin of mine and a family friend, and they couldn'ta done a more beautiful job of it. I sat thru the entire mass with tears streamin' down my face and tryin' to deep breathe as best I could so that the emotional wreck that I was wouldn't burst out cryin'. My second cousin personalized the mass in a way that no other priest could when he tearily began with the words "we have joined together in God to remember Bert, a man who knew me since I was in diapers" then continued on to describe my Dad by quotin' verbatim the meanin' of the word "gentleman" which he had printed out straight from the search pages of Google. That WAS my Dad, a real true gentle man.
As if sittin' thru my Dad's funeral mass weren't hard enuff, after a huge number of us went to eat at another cousin's restaurant, my two brothers, with their wives and my kids in tow, all went back to my parent's now empty home. Yes, all the furniture, clothes and everything else was still in place, but the loving spirit that resided there is now no more. I think THAT was THE hardest part of the day....walkin' into the home I was born 'n raised in, knowin' that neither my Mom nor my Dad was gonna be there greetin' with a smile 'n a hug 'n kiss. And that's when I completely lost it.
My brothers tried to comfort me the best they knew how, and both my kids were real troupers as well, but dealin' with this loss is gonna be painful for quite a while. And to make matters even worse, the three of us kids now must have the horrible task of siftin' thru 55 years worth of both my Mom's and my Dad's personal mementos, memories, knick knacks, furniture, clothing, documents, etc. and must decide who wants/needs what and whats gonna get donated to where. I do know that most of my parent's summer clothes are gonna get donated to the people in Haiti and their winter clothing is gonna go to either the Red Cross or Salvation Army or some sorta charity organization such as those, but there is tons of other stuff that now must be resolved. Thankfully I was not appointed the awful task of bein' the Executor of my father's estate....that task now falls on the shoulders of my older brother....so he's gonna have his hands full for quite a long time to say the least. Even tho my Dad had long prepared for this day via written documentation of EVERYTHING, its still gonna be a long drawn out exhaustin' process. I hope we can all live thru it.
Now that this day has ended I am both mentally 'n physically exhausted beyond belief. But there is still the private burial to attend on Monday which means we're gonna have to endure heartache once more. However, from what I was told by both brothers and from what I actually read in my father's burial wishes, its gonna be just a formality at best....a quick 5 minute meaningless completely private affair that's gonna basically consist of my father's urn bein' laid on top of my mother's casket, end of story, period. No prayers are to be said, no eulogy is to be mentioned, no funeral procession is to go to the cemetary, nothin'. It's gonna be a plain ol' "just drop me in 'n cover me up" kinda thing, according to my father's last written wishes. So I'm not even sure if I'm gonna make the hour long train trip up to CT 'n the hour long train trip back to NY for a quick 5 minutes of cryin' my eyes out one last time. My brothers are NOT expectin' me to attend and I think if they had their way they probably wouldn't either....but I reckon somebody's gotta be there to make sure Dad's final wishes are carried out to a T, or else he'll probably come back 'n haunt all three of us for the remainder of our miserable now orphaned lives.
Jeez, I've really gotta go to sleep, so I'm leavin' off right here, right now, and just like this.