Tuesday, April 19, 2011

All in the Family

We all know just how warped MY stinkin' thinkin' can be at times, but what ya probably don't know is just how warped my two youngest KIDS can be at times.


Since she was young, my daughter has had this weird "fear" of mayonnaise. She simply cannot tolerate tastin' it, smellin' it or even seein' it...whether it be mixed in with some other ingredients or whether it be inside a sealed jar.

Don't ask ME. She's just weird.

So of course, my youngest son (the one who still lives here at home with me and who desperately needs a J-O-B!!!) insists on torturin' her with mayonnaise at every possible single solitary moment that he CAN.

Whenever my daughter stops by here for a visit my son will, unbeknownst to her, grab that damn jar of mayonnaise from the fridge and proceed to chase her all around the friggin' house with it. Can ya picture it? Two fully grown, full-bodied (i.e. overweight, as their Momma is) ADULTS....a daughter who's gonna be 27 and a son who's gonna be 19.....both runnin' thru all 7 rooms of our second floor apartment in this here private house we rent, one screamin' "Maaaaaaaa!!!" bloody murder at the top of her lungs 'n soundin' like someone's comin' after her with a butcher knife while the other one is loudly 'n breathlessly laughin' his ass off, lovin' every minute of it.

He gets her EVERY damn time.

So as you can see, normalcy is definitely not somethin' yer gonna find in MY home. Not much, anyway.

But here's the REAL kicker....

A couple of weeks ago my son came into my room and almost innocently asked me this question:

"Mom, how bad would it be if somebody sent somethin' to someone that they knew the other person REALLY didn't like?"

So naturally, my antennae immediately went up :::::boink!:::::: and to which I responded, "awww jeez Ant, whadya do NOW?"

"Nuuuuuthin'" he coyly said....with a shit-eatin' grin on his face.

"Annnnnnnt!!!! TELL me!"

"Wellllll, I ONLY hadda jar of Miracle Whip mailed to Jess's house" he replies.

"You WHAT? How the hell did ya do THAT?" I snapped back.

"I saw it on the computer" he said. "You can have a sample of Miracle Whip sent to yer house".

"Grrrrrrreat" I answered. "Now WHY would ya do somethin' like THAT?" I asked.

"Just for FUN" he says, and laughs like a lil' schoolboy.

Boys WILL be boys.

And then I forgot all about it. Until I gotta call from my daughter at 7:45 this mornin'.

"Mom? I wanna ask ya a question, but ya gotta promise me that ya WON'T lie to me" she says.

"Yeah Jess. What's up?" *I* innocently responded, completely forgettin' about that lil' discussion I had with my son a few weeks ago.

"Did Ant have a jar of Miracle Whip sent to me in the mail?" she asks.

I couldn't lie to her. I mean, I COULDA lied to her, but I really didn't wanna. But before I could say anything to her I began gigglin'. And that's when I basically gave it away.

"He DID!!!" she screams. Now *I'm* the one laughin' MY ass off.

I finally breathe outta "Yesssssss Jess, he DID....but don't tell him I told ya!"

"Oh, I WON'T!" she snaps back. "But I AM gonna call him in a few 'n give him HELL when he finally admits it" she says. "Bye Mom. Love you" she says 'n she hangs up.

"Well, at least she's a semi-good sport about it" I think to myself....then wonder exactly what the hell she's gonna do to get back at him.

Oh joy, I can't WAIT.


Crazed Nitwit said...

I'm sitting here giggling like a freaking' LOON! Too funny! Wonder what the official name is for "fear of mayonnaise"? Bwahahahahaha!

Lady Ridesalot said...

That story just cracked me up! Yes... I envisioned two grown young'uns running around your apartment carrying on like a couple of escaped monkeys from the zoo!

Memories are golden... both the good and the bad.

Thanks for the laugh today. It went great with my morning coffee. :}

Della said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
biker baby said...

I wanna spend just one day in your house. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it. And good luck with the J-O-B thing. Hopefully The Bowels of Hell isn’t in as much trouble as the state of IL.