Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Sex, sex 'n more sex

I just finished watchin' what ended up bein' one full half hour of pure 'n simple (ok, so sometimes NOT so simple) sex on t.v. No, I didn't tune into my local smut channel solely in order to watch two (ok, sometimes it was MORE than two) individuals get it on but rather, I happened upon it quite by accident.

While I was in the midst of waitin' for yet another load of laundry to finish its wash cycle, I plopped down on my bed, turned on the tube and hit the clicker until I reached one of my favorite television channels, Animal Planet. At that very moment I stumbled upon a show entitled "Weird, True & Freaky". Now, most times I seem to catch every stinkin' solitary rerun of that darn show, but not tonite. Oh no, certainly not tonite. Tonight they just so happened to be showin' certain species of the animal kingdom's weird, true 'n freaky sexual escapades. Viola! I think I just hit the doggie-style-sexual jackpot! They did a countdown from the #10 strangest to the #1 strangest of all.....and I betcha dunno which species came in first place!!!

I was lucky enuff to catch all kinds of animals doin' all kinds of unknown and rarely seen sex acts. And even tho I mostly didn't take note of which species came in as number so 'n so, I was completely enthralled while witnessin' hermaphrodites such as:

flatworms - these funny ribbon-lookin' critters engage in a frenetic sexual battle of the penises;

leopard slugs - they certainly are acrobatic lil' suckers...they both climb down this long slimey roap, intertwine around each other, then see who can get who's penis (which is on peculiarly poised on their head I might add) in whom the fastest, then they both let go 'n ker-plop straight down to the ground (ouch! I hope they didn't land on their penis-heads!);

and then there were some other better known species such as:

frogs - that lil' bugger of a male will hang onto the female's back for dear life, for DAYS atta time sometimes!;

rodents - the males will fuck until they plum drop dead. Literally. Sometimes it'll take 'em 2 days, other times 2 weeks, but no matter how long it takes they'll go without any food/water/rest for the whole time that they're busy bangin' away. When they're completely finished, they get off, stagger away, 'n die (hmmmmmm....the more I think about it, the better 'n better it sounds!);

elephant seals - its the mighty clash of the titans when the colossal combative males fight for female dominance. The beefiest male wins, of course, and he then gets his pick of ALL the beached bitches who seem to flock to him in sheer admiration (it must be that fat wobbly hangin' thing that attracts all the ladies);

Now, here's a lil' did u know for ya:

The New Mexico Whiptail Lizard doesn't need a male to reproduce. She just lays her eggs and then all the lil' lizzies come out lookin' like exact duplicates of the mother. Feminism 'n independence at its best!

And the #1 strangest sex act of all species is:

:::::drumroll please::::: ta da!

the Bonobo Chimpanzees of Africa - these guys are truly the freakiest of freaks. They use sex as a part of their social system. So instead of just sayin' hi to the guy/girl who just swung by ya on the tree canapy next door, ya swing right on over to 'em 'n fuck. Instead of sharin' a meal together, ya climb aboard 'n fuck. Instead of sleepin', ya roll over 'n fuck. Talk about havin' a fuckfest! They'll have sex with strangers, there's primate prostitution goin' on, a whole lotta masturbation (either solely or in groups), and group sex to the MAX, etc. etc. They'll carry on like this every 1 1/2 hours on the dot, from sun-up to sun-down. There are no known taboos with these chimps. They're yer typical 60's San Francisco hippie. Their motto is simple:

~ make love, not war ~

Now, wouldn't ya think that with the chimps sharin' 98.4% of us homosapiens DNA, we'd kinda take a hint from these critters and do the same damn thing? Just a thought.

I think I'm gonna die 'n come back as an African Bonobo Chimpanzee :-)


Rob said...

Wow you have some momentous commentary on your Blog. Can you say Pulitzer?
I think I would most resemble a rodent b/c its just a matter of time before I drop dead doing the deed!!
Entertaining stuff!!!

RazorsEdge2112 said...

Maybe Homosapiens took a wrong turn on that evolutionary ladder.

My daughter had little green anoles (lizards about 4 - 6 inches long) when she was about 10 years old. They were doing wonderfully when one day one of the males died.


Got another, and then two males died, leaving the two females. I call the vet and tell her about how well she keeps her lizards and how well they are doing.

Well, apparently the conditions were so good, they were mating. Let's just say the female is quite... aggressive.