My daughter popped in for a visit today and along with that visit came one of her many stories.....a story about pedicures. But first she hadda sit 'n listen to one of MY stories.
As we sat across from each other at the kitchen table after exchangin' the obligatory "so, how ya been?"s, the "what's new?s" and the "whatcha been up to?"s, I began to tell her the story about my mornin'.
I was, of course, wearin' my "today's tee" (see above, as I still am), and hopped on the early mornin' bus to go across town to get my daily dose of jungle juice. This is an everyday ritual for me, but Saturdays are a bit special cuz I actually LIKE my bus driver on Saturdays. I like him for a few reasons: cuz he's kind, he's an excellent driver, he knows how to control the animals who board his bus, and cuz he's about the only person who really appreciates my twisted sense o' humor when I'm wearin' tee-shirts such as the one above. He actually looks forward to seein' me every Saturday (now THERE'S somethin' ya'll probably never hear outta my mouth again; this here is one of my FAVORITE tees...it describes how I feel 90% of the time):
Ok, so anyway...a few weeks ago my driver warned me that he was gonna be leavin' my route soon and that today was gonna be his last day. He was goin' to a different route cuz apparently another driver with more seniority took his spot. I was highly upset and I let him know it. When we finally got to my stop we exchanged our goodbye's/good luck's and I went on my unmerry way. I sure am gonna miss him.
Wait 'til next Saturday when I get my hands on the bastard who knocked him off my route. I'm may have a few choice words for HIS raggedy ass.
But now, let's move onto pedicures....which is the reason why I came here in the first place.
So after I finish tellin' her about my bus driver Lee (which I just bothered askin' him about today) my daughter begins to tell me about HER bus escapade, which 99 times outta 100 ends in some kinda disaster. She constantly has things to bitch about on her bus....the people and the noise, the drivers on cell phones, the broken down roads, the other idiots drivin' on those broken down roads, its too hot on the bus, the screamin' babies who won't shut up, its too cold on the bus, the crackhead mothers screamin' at and/or beatin' those screamin' babies, blah blah blah. We always try to top each other's story about who's bus ride was the worst, and we always end up crackin' up about the shit we see. I've seen bitches puttin' on makeup and doin' their hair 'n nails; people pickin' their noses and doin' all kinda ungodly things with it; others eatin' 'n talkin' at the same damn time so that food goes flyin' outta their mouths; young girls cussin' like damn sailors while talkin' to their friends; I even watched in horror one day while one bitch was flossin' her damn teeth!!; she'd wipe the shit that just came offa her teeth from the string of floss, floss some more, wipe again, floss some more, wipe some more and then she proceeded to touch every damn thing there was to touch on that bus...the grab poles, the back of the seats, the strip to stop the bus and whatever else she could find. I almost fuckin' barfed just thinkin' about what the hell she was leavin' all over that bus.
I'll tell ya....I don't call this place The Bowels of Hell cuz its like livin' in paradise.
But then my daughter asks me a strange question: she asks me if I've ever seen anyone with fake toenails. I give a lil' chuckle. "What the hell are ya talkin' about?" I ask. She says "ya know.....ya know how some bitches have them fake fingernails put on?" "Yeaaahhhh...." I say. "Well" she goes on, "I just saw someone on the bus who has fake toenails!" "Whaaaaa?" I say..."I've never heard of such a thing! I've heard about manicures; I've heard about pedicures....but never have I heard about pedicures that include fake nails!". "I'm tellin' ya Ma", she says, "the bitch had some long-ass fake toenails on her crusty feet!!" "How the fuck ya know they were fake?" I ask. "Cuz that nasty bitch was pullin' 'em off on the bus and flickin' 'em across the damn floor!!" she replies.
Only in The Bowels, I tell ya.....only in The Bowels.